Always the wrong thing at the wrong time. And no in this case two wrongs do not make a right. Should have just stuck to what was tried and tested. It is not as if by taking this risk anything was going to be different or at least any better.

I may never be the lead in your life. Probably not even the supporting cast. Honestly I cannot really tell. However I'm happy just playing a cameo role. The cameo that may appear very little and have made many mistakes and said many things wrong. But also the cameo that can be counted on when needed. The cameo that is always there when called upon. Always ready to jump into any scene. I'm happy if you're happy. I thought you were so I stepped back. Now I know it may not be so. Things probably cannot be the same. Too far too long. But I never stopped worrying. I was always afraid of you getting hurt. It's painful to watch and not be able to do anything about it. I hope you will find your happiness at least in this life. The day I am sure you do is the day I can stop worrying. It will be one of the happiest days of my life.

what do you do when you find that you have lost yourself? when there is no identity, no sense of purpose. it seems as if the world is floating by right before your eyes and you are overwhelmed by the realisation that you are but a spectator not a participant. its almost like living dead. its no wonder zombies choose to make it their purpose to devour humans. being so full of things to say till its bursting and wishing there was someone to listen yet not wanting to have to say it to someone. often its easy to suppress emotions. like flipping a switch. on off on off on off. it makes it but a simple matter to convince yourself that everything will work out. after all they always have- and without that much effort. but what happens when that switch fails and cannot be turned off? when the reality that you may be slipping down a path that isn't favourable and you have no grip whatsoever sinks in. it eats at you from the inside but at the same time reinforces the emotionless shell thats the image everyone sees.
if a certain someone reads this, this is part of the reason i don't like to talk about myself. its probably part of the reason that i may look so cold and have nothing to say often. but i guess i have to find myself first before i can do anything else. but how to i do that?

sometimes life takes us where we don't want to go and we're forced to make the decisions we don't want to make. sometimes we are dealt hands that we don't want. often we ask ourselves why? what have i done to deserve this? many face the gnawing realisation that no matter how hard we try, no matter how much we cling on to something, to someone, they still eventually slip through our grasp just like trying to hold an eel out of water. it is said that humans love to torture themselves. despite the knowledge that nothing last forever, we still keep trying over and over again to make forever a reality, and we are met with failure time and again. but we actually do not realise that it is because of each failure that we end up with a different goal to hold on to a different picture of the forever that we wish to create with each only being able to get better than the last. after all, what doesn't kill makes stronger right? or does it? (:
random ramblings.

Right by my side you are
You smile without a care
Yet that smile is not mine
I am happy of course
But that tinge of remains
Because it is not mine

its funny how things work. when you wanted me to help i didnt. now i want to help but you dont want it anymore. it is often said that we should take our chances when we get it, to grab the opportunities that life grants to us. it is also said that some of these chances come only once around. if you miss it or do not hold on to it properly then it may leave and never return. one of the humans' weaknesses if often realising that they should have grabbed that opportunity only after they can never do so. is this one of those times? i really dont know. i can only hope that this chance comes around once more. but then again dont we all?

Alot of changes in the past week. Alot of things put in perspective. When one can choose everything one would try to fit everything in. To keep a hold on everything. To enjoy everything. It is only when he is forced to choose only one. When contraints prevents trying to have the cake and eat it too. Only then is what is really important revealed. Only then does he realise what he can make do without and what he cannot make do without. Ultimately, the one thing he chooses would be the one thing that he took for granted to be always there. The one thing he never appreciated as much as he should have because it was always there. Only then does he realise that he should not have done so many things. Only then does his actions cause him to regret. And when he tries to makes things right, he realises that things have changed. Only then does he see the full effect of his actions in the past. People can be left with a very deep impact that they do not reveal. But i really hope that it is not too late to make up for the things done to close the wounds that have been inflicted. But i guess i realise now that there is so many things in life that i cannot control. Still, this is better than having no hope at all. Whatever happens, this song has been on my mind for the past week, felt that it means alot, especially the first stanza.

Best thing about tonight's that we’re not fighting
Could it be that we have been this way before
I know you don’t think that I am trying......
I know you’re wearing thin down to the core..

But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that i will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear its true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

This is not what I intended
I always swore to you I'd never fall apart
You always thought that I was stronger
I may have failed
But I have loved you from the start

Oh,
But hold your breath
Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
It’s impossible

So breathe in so deep
Breathe me in I’m yours to keep
And hold onto your words
‘Cause talk is cheap
And remember me tonight
When you’re asleep

Because tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find

Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you
Over again
Don’t make me change my mind
Or I won’t live to see another day
I swear it’s true
Because a girl like you is impossible to find
You’re impossible to find

Some how this song seems appropriate though not completely. probably more of a reversal of roles. anyway, i just find it meaningful.

I gotta go my own way
I gotta say whats on my mind,
Something about us, doesn't seem right these days
Life keeps getting in the way
Whenever we try,
somehow the plan is always rearranged
It's so hard to say,
but I've gotta do whats best for me
You'll be okay
I've got to move on and be who I am
I just don't belong here,
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now,
I gotta go my own way
Dont wanna leave it all behind,
But I get my hopes up and I watch them fall every time
Another colour turns to grey,
and its just so hard to watch it all slowly fade away
i'm leaving today, cause i gotta do whats best for me.
Youll be okay,
Ive got to move on and be who I am
I just dont belong here,
I hope you understand
We might find our place in this world someday
But at least for now,
I gotta go my own way